Nothing on or in my world never made much sense to me at all. You wouldn’t look at me and think that I had so many problems on the inside that you cannot see. Once you looked a lot deeper, opened me up and started to become aware of who I am, you would probably be shocked and think about closing my book.
You see, from the outside I am a beautiful, pale female. I have short, shoulder length hair that is the colour of Strawberry Blonde. I am skinny but almost have a fit male build to my body and I stand 5’6 inches tall. You can spot some freckles and acne on my face along with my off white straight teeth from smoking. People compliment my choice of fashion and for my personality, I choose to be outgoing, friendly and people get along with me and love me. People love what they see.
Now let’s open me up and see who I am inside. My heart broke when I lost the other half of me(my bestfriend)died on my knee while I was 14 years old. Following months after my father came home on my birthday with the news that he is diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour and has less than one year to live. Ouch. Depression started taking over me for the first time and I was also diagnosed with bi polar disorder. My parents divorced shortly after and I kept way too much in from everyone and that led me to becoming very suicidal and even taking multiple actions towards dying. Then my brother choked on his vomit and passed away and I lost it. I became addicted to drugs and drinking and had multiple stays in the hospital, lost my mind and stopped caring for myself and everyone around me. I couldn’t of cared one bit to be alive, I was hoping most days that I would just die.
I finally opened up to going into rehab. After years on years of going through these heart aches and breaks, my grandma passed away and my other grandma developed throat cancer. I seeked help and got clean and took on the role of care taking for my grandma and grandpa so they could stay together through her cancer. I started my own personal healing journey from the years of damage and I’ve come so far and picked up so many pieces, of course luckily to have my family who helped pick up as many as I did ! Those years and pains felt like they would never end , but those struggles made me who I am today and the strength I have inside…it came from a lot of pain. I don’t let a lot of people know about the inside part of me, but it’s who I truly am. You guys are the first people I have choose to share my story with and if anyone is struggling with theirselves or having a hard time in life.. I am here for you and I care.